and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
