don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
