so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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