If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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