I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
