I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
