Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
