I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
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She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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