So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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