Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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