Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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