Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
