now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
