Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
