It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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