Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
