Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
