return my video game
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
