Screwed.edu
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
