Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
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i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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