She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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