please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
