I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
