We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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