Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
