Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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