Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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