I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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