some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
