Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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