You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
