We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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