from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
false alarm, still single
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
