I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
