Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
