Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
