god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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