I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
This baby is an asshole
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
