had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
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I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
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i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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