I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
