I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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