He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
