I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
