I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
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WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
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I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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