There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
