I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
