god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
