i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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