found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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