My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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