I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
a search helicopter?!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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