I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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