im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
