I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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