Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
