You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
